


That's Too Many Teeth, Mr. Wilson

by ChibisUnleashed



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Gen, Pretty innocuous fic all things considered, Spideypool is only mentioned, rating to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29145417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibisUnleashed/pseuds/ChibisUnleashed
Summary: For RotG Bingo 2021 square B2: Watching Someone SleepEvery night Toothiana's fairies come to this man's house. Every night they retrieve a tooth and leave a coin. Every night.Human adults don't have that many teeth.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 89
Collections: RotG BinGo





	That's Too Many Teeth, Mr. Wilson

Just like the little ones, Tooth smoothly slid through the clear pane of glass into the room. 

It was a catastrophic mess. Not only were clothes everywhere, food wrappers everywhere, bits of paper  _ everywhere,  _ but there were literally bullets spilled across the floor. Also used bullet casings, which was even more worrisome, honestly. 

Luckily Tooth didn’t need to put her feet on the ground or she might be worried about slipping, else experiencing what snarky parents liked to call, ‘the LEGO firewalk.’ There were so many bits and pieces of things on the floor that Tooth wasn’t sure how the person who lived here actually managed to live here. 

And then there was a gun in her face. 

Tooth leveled an unimpressed glare at the man who, two seconds ago, appeared to be completely asleep in his bed. With yet  _ another  _ tooth under the pillow. 

“Mr. Wilson, I think you’ll find that won’t really do anything to me.”

He raised an eyebrow under the red and black mask he wore. Without the rest of the suit, of course. He was sleeping. He needed to be comfortable. So it was a tank top, boxers, ...and a mask. Of course. “I’ll only find anything if I try.”

With as much innocence as Tooth could put into her expression and voice, she said, “But then you wouldn’t get any more coins under your pillow.”

He gasped and pressed his hands, along with the gun, to the sides of his face. “You would kill the tooth fairy?!”

Tooth took a moment to remind herself that she’d known this man when he was just a child. Honestly,  _ what happened?  _ “No, Mr. Wilson. I  _ am  _ the tooth fairy.”

He was halfway into a dramatic  _ ‘Noooo,’  _ when he suddenly stopped and she could swear he was blinking under the mask. “Wait, what? I’m sorry, I was lost in the moment.”

“Yeah, I saw that.” Putting on a sweet smile and a little pose, she said again, “I  _ am  _ the tooth fairy!”

He gasped again, but this time the gun was gone. Tooth glanced around with just her eyes, trying to figure out where he put it, but it was just… gone. 

“Hello, Miss Tooth Fairy!” he said. “I am such a huge fan of your work!”

Tooth tilted her head indulgently and tried not to let the strain show in her smile. “Oh I know, Mr. Wilson. You have my fairies here nearly every night!”

Wade nodded happily. “They bring me tons of coins! You should give them a raise!”

That wasn’t how it worked, but Tooth didn’t think explaining that would help. She channeled Manny’s infinite patience and pushed on. “Right, Mr. Wilson. That’s what I’m here to talk to you about.”

He looked at her in confusion. “Fair wages for fairies?”

She needed a little bit more of that infinite patience. “No. The coins they bring you.  _ Every night.”  _

He nodded again. “They’re very good at it.”

“I know they are. My girls are flawless,” she said with pride. “However, the average human only has so many teeth, and the majority of them stop putting teeth under their pillows in adulthood. Mr. Wilson, I’m afraid you are way past your quota.”

“There’s a quota?”

“There is when you’ve lost and placed under your pillow roughly two-hundred and sixty-four adult teeth.”

Wade looked delighted. “You counted?”

“It’s my job, Mr. Wilson.”

“Please, call me Wade.”

“Please, stop losing teeth.”

He looked less delighted. “I don’t think I can promise that. There seems to be a force of attraction between people’s fists and my face.”

Tooth believed that. “You could try wearing a mouth guard.”

“But then Spidey might not understand me when I’m hitting on him!”

“That’s your priority?”

“It’s very important.”

Tooth would leave that for another spirit to deal with. “Alright then, Mr. Wilson. I’m just going to have to cut you off.”

“What?” he cried. “No!”

“My fairies are very busy,” she explained, “and my cash stores are not infinite. I just can’t afford to have them here every night with a new coin for you.”

“But then how will I make wishes?”

Tooth paused. “Beg pardon?”

“You know,” Wade said, miming flicking a coin into the air. “Make wishes. In fountains.” 

Tooth blinked. “That’s what you use the coins for?”

“Yeah. What else do people use coins for?”

Shopping. Gambling. Scratch-offs. Magic tricks. Tooth had a whole list ready.

Instead she asked, “What do you wish for?”

Wade shrugged. “Oh you know, the normal things. World peace. End to hunger. New season of Golden Girls. Spidey to hit on me back.” 

Odd life choices aside, that was pretty sweet. Tooth found herself suddenly less reluctant to give this man money, if what he was spending it on were hope, dreams, and wonder. 

“Alright, Mr. Wilson, you’ve convinced me.” 

His eyes widened, and Tooth briefly wondered at how expressive a flat mask of fabric could be. “You’ll grant my wishes?”

…”No,” she said. “That’s not my purview. I will, however, allow my fairies to visit  _ occasionally  _ to bring you more coins.” She wondered if he would even notice if she swapped the money for party favors and old arcade tokens. Probably not. She would have to try it. “I do request in return that you  _ try  _ to lose your teeth less? I’m very concerned about oral hygiene after all, and your record unsettles me.”

“I brush every night!”

“No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t. Okay!” he said, bouncing in his seat on the bed. “Deal!”

“Deal, Mr. Wilson.” She floated away from the bed, over the multitude of safety violations that was the floor of this room, and toward the window. “Now try to get some sleep.”

“Of course, Miss Tooth Fairy!” He laid down in the bed, and without her seeing where it came from, the gun was back in his hand. He cradled it delicately against his pillow, and the sight was very strange. 

He was a strange man. 

Mostly a good man, though. A little off some days. Misguided all the time. But his heart was usually in the right place. 

Toothiana remembered him as a boy. She made very sure that her fairies did not make  _ him  _ remember himself as a boy. Instead, she used the many adult teeth he had lost and reminded him more often of recent times, when he had done good, or seen good, and needed to remember that he  _ was,  _ ultimately, good. 

She caught herself watching him for longer than she meant and turned away, through the glass, and into the night. 

Goodnight, Mr. Wilson.

I hope your wishes come true.


End file.
